Trauma is, as Trauma does. My birth story after 9 years.

Timing is such a funny thing.  Last week a friend sent me this article on PTSD related to traumatic birth experiences.  I either hadn't noticed it, or didn't read it right away for some other reason.  It wasn't until after I went to a doctors appointment at the hospital where my first son was born (which I have done twice a year for the last nine years) and I was telling this same friend that I still experience mild PTSD symptoms as I approach the building that he asked me if I had read the article.

I think I got to the second paragraph before I broke down in tears, having to take multiple breaks to get through the rest of it.  My symptoms were not nearly as severe as what the woman in the article describes, but my experience was traumatizing....after all, I am reminded....I almost died.  Maybe it was because I didn't know it at the time, or because I was so sick for the first 3 months of my son's life, or there was so much hub-bub around "my condition" that I didn't even notice....trauma runs deep.

My story is long and complicated so I will try to keep it brief.  It starts right after my son was born.  My pregnancy itself was uneventful, and the delivery went fairly smooth.  In fact, I pushed for less than 15 minutes and my son was born healthy and strong.  I was so busy looking at him, that I didn't notice the fear in my doctor's face and didn't think to question why all of a sudden there were 10 people in the delivery room standing around me, thrusting their hands inside me and asking demanding that I push.   All I wanted was my baby, but they wouldn't let me have him.  Insisting my son was okay...fear turning to terror as people bustled around whispering to each other and pounding on my belly.

Turns out, my placenta wasn't budging.  For those who aren't in the know..once you deliver a baby, the placenta typically follows.  If it doesn't, your uterus does not contract and you hemorrhage.  In the rare situation in which this occurs (1 in 2500), a hysterectomy is the recommended course of treatment, the alternative is usually death.  My doctor refused.  I had a full placenta accreta (I called it placenta "creature") which is a condition in which the placenta abnormally implants into the uterine wall and does not release upon birth.

My doctor said, "This is your first baby and you are to young.  If you were my sister I would treat you the same."  So the cord was cut and stuck back in.  I won't go into detail about what followed, let's just say it involved a lot of blood....everywhere....and a lot of, "What do you mean you're placenta is still inside you?"  I went home with a hemoglobin level of 6 (normal is 12) and high risk for hemorrhaging.  Needless to say, I was back within 24 hours for a blood transfusion.  In the months that followed I was in severe pain and suffered from high fevers.  All the while waiting.  Waiting to bleed out.  Waiting for the placenta to detach.  Waiting to be normal again.   Eventually the fevers subsided and the pain dissipated.  The placenta was slowly absorbed by my body and life resumed some level of normalcy...as much as it can with a colicky infant.

Over the next 3 years I used whatever energy I had around my experience and funneled it, some would say compulsively, toward helping others (no big surprise there).  I started a message board for Placenta Accreta, I built a website and posted my story, I fielded emails from multiple women who were experiencing the same issue.  I started a life coaching business for expecting and new moms.  All of which I eventually let slide away.  I would check the message board every once in a while and there would be posts about how it wasn't well maintained.  I gave up on the coaching and quietly stopped attending mom focused groups and meetings.  At the time I chalked it up to not having the time or the energy, but the truth is...it became to painful.  I realize now, that in my quest to "help others" in order to heal, I just kept re-traumatizing myself.

I'm not sure why I am coming to this realization now, although the article mentioned above certainly helped.  I feel anger, I feel cheated, I feel sad, yet I know I am blessed to have a healthy, smart, incredible son who truly touches my soul.  I also know from the work that I do, that everyone is in recovery from something and recovery is a very personal life long journey. I am in recovery from a traumatic birth experience.

One thing I cannot will not yet say is that I wouldn't change a thing.  All things being equal, I would rewrite the script for that day in a heartbeat.  But life doesn't work that way, and so we persevere, we integrate our experiences, and every once in a while something reminds us that we touched life's limits and managed to find our way back.

Written by me for my Boy on his 8th birthday

Eight years seems like a lifetime ago,
The line between life and death thinner than I know.
New breath is taken, innocence lost,
Fear on stranger's faces embossed.
Karma from lifetimes past,
Shadows from angels unknown are cast.
Eyes alert and gaze intense,
His imprint on this world to be immense.
He is my soul outside of me,
Happy 8th birthday Caby Baby!!

Benefits of Physical Activity - Guest Blogger

Hey All!  The following is a guest post written by David Haas.   David Haas is a cancer support group and awareness program advocate at the Mesothelioma Cancer Alliance. In addition to researching many valuable programs, David often blogs about programs and campaigns underway at the Mesothelioma Cancer Alliance, as well as creative fitness ideas for those dealing with cancer, while creating relationships with similar organizations.

Read more: http://www.mesothelioma.com/blog/authors/david/bio.htm#ixzz1kWNudFwq

Tremendous Benefits from Physical Activity – During and After Cancer Treatment

Regardless of whether you have completed treatment for cancer and are in remission, or are in the midst of chemotherapy and radiation treatment, you can benefit from physical activity.  Repeated studies have shown that exercise provides both emotional and physical benefits over the long term for people with cancer.

Physical Benefits

It has been known for a long time that almost anyone benefits from exercise and physical activity, no matter what their health status.  According to WebMD, people with cancer can especially benefit from integrating exercise into their health routine.  Not only does exercise help boost energy levels and stamina, but it also can contribute to long-term survival and overall health improvement.

Repeated studies have shown that even after finishing cancer treatment, individuals who continue exercising have lower rates of recurrence and improved heart and lung function.  In one study of patients with breast cancer, it was found that women who exercised just moderately on a regular basis had longer survival rates and better health outcomes than women who were sedentary and did not exercise.

Additional health benefits of exercising include weight loss and improved weight control, reduced fatigue and lower risk for cardiovascular problems and diabetes.

Emotional Benefits

The benefits from physical activity are not limited to the physical.  Most patients who begin to exercise report that they begin to feel better overall.  Depression and anxiety are very common experiences for cancer patients.  However, regular moderate exercise can result in improved mood and relief from depression and anxiety.

Another benefit from exercise is that many people experience a boost in their self-confidence.  As your body begins to get stronger, you feel more positive about the future.  You may find yourself celebrating major milestones as your body gets stronger and you are able to do more.

Talking to Your Doctor

When you sit down and talk to your mesothelioma doctor or oncologist, ask for recommendations about what types of exercise are most appropriate for starting a new exercise routine.  Depending on your stamina and strength, recommendations may range from simple stretching exercises to walking or swimming.  As your health improves, you may find that you want to add activities or change what you are doing.

Your doctor may also recommend that you work with an occupational or physical therapist initially.  They can help you develop a physical fitness routine of exercise that is not too strenuous and teach you how to exercise correctly.  You may also benefit from talking to a nutritionist to get recommendations about healthy foods you can eat to improve your stamina and overall health.

When you are fighting cancer, use every tool you can find to build your body into a fighting machine.  Even after you conquer the illness, continue the good health habits you develop to keep your body in fighting condition.  In the long run, you will benefit and feel better and happier.

My New Fitness Fun...finding your flow.

At the age of 40, I stepped outside of my fitness comfort zone and took a gymnastics class for the first time in at least 25 years. As I have mentioned previously, I was never one for team sports as a kid. Gymnastics was the only sport I really stuck with and enjoyed...until I dislocated my elbow for the second time when I was 11 years old while jumping over a pummel horse on the way to the water fountain.   Doh!

I have thought about revisiting this sport as an adult, but never saw any classes being offered anywhere....until I signed my son up for a class this fall. There it was....adult gymnastics.....offered the same time as my son's class. Could it get any more convenient? Why wouldn't I do it?!

Looks like fun doesn't it??

Well, I will tell you why....fear. Have you flipped into a foam pit lately? Or done straddle jumps and back handsprings on a tramp? When was the last time you kicked up into a handstand? Does the thought of it make your belly do flip flops? It did for me. No way can I get out there and do these things after so many years. So week after week, I brought my coffee and my iPad and I sat.











I watched other big people tumble on the floor, flip down the tumble track and do hip circles on the bar.  I always loved doing gymnastics and longed to be out there...but I thought I was to old, to rusty.  The last time I did a forward roll I was dizzy for hours!

And then something happened.

Someone died.

What does that have to do with anything? Well, it has to do with everything....because life is short, and opportunities WILL pass you by.

If you allow fear to rule you, you will never progress. Because change means risk and risk means flip flops in your belly.

The morning after I went to the funeral I showed up to gymnastics with my son as usual, prepared to sit, drink my coffee and read the new Steve Jobs book on my iPad (which, having now finished the book, is ironic in and of itself). Then I overheard a woman talking about taking the adult class. I heard her say, "I've never taken gymnastics before." and  I thought to myself..."if she is willing to give it a try...why wouldn't I?"

I did a quick check and realized that I had sweats on and an elastic around my wrist. $20.00 cash and I was IN. I refused to let myself over think it...in fact I blocked it all together and just moved forward.....and all of a sudden there I was....doing straddle jumps and back handsprings on the tramp...tumbling across the floor and doing hip circles on the bar.

I came home that afternoon and told my older son and husband what I had done. "I took a gymnastics class!". I exclaimed. My son looked at my husband and said, "I've never seen Mom so happy about something!"

And that was all I needed to hear.

My tummy still does flip flops on the Friday night before class leading all the way up until I get out there...but I refuse to over think it...and I keep moving forward...and by the end of every class I am totally in my flow.

You can check me out here.